I sit writing tonight with a very badly blocked ear.The smirk every one gets just hearing it doesnt amuse me.Because I am in terrible discomfort.Theres no pain as such.But I feel a sort of numbness on the right side of my facial terrain.
Haven't been to the doctor yet.As always i would wait for it to worsen enough to make a hurried visit to the urgent care centre in an odd hour of the day/night.G and I are renouned for never having to use our primary physician's (PP)services.Until a few hours back I sat reading all the ailments that could be associated with the symptoms.And boy am I flustered.
The first thing to do after waking up tomorrow would be to call my PP.Not that I was exasperated enough ,I brought more onto myself.Tried talking to S about what i just read.The pleasantries barged on me better not be discussed.Branded the super irresponsible human being who doesn't take care of herself i desperately sought refuge somewhere.I decided to do another grave mistake "call my mom".
How bad can a phone call be?The last part of our conversations would be me bleating 'reassurances' and she 'warnings'.By the time I am done with the call I so start to feel like the most irresponsible mom of this world.How can I be careless???...I have a young and thankfully not growing family to take care of.
Thinking back in the day I have also had my share of suggestions put forward by my ever so helpful neighbours.A and I sat discussing M di's symptoms.M di has been successfully operated on a benign brain tumour.A ,perhaps closest to being my prototype, is bogged down herself with an unknown headache and dizziness.So we both sat comforting each other and hoping nothing's serious.And yet again we conclude that we have such young children.T arrived from work in between all these discussion and threw up her hands in despair and left to tend her pre schoolers.Probably she is tired of our sickness related platitudes.She said she really pities both the S's(the husbands').
P,the newest entrant to the group,with her heavily spanish accented english suggests that it could be vertigo I am suffering from.I too think that it is surely a possibility.I retrace back to the heavily coerced ride I had taken with my eyes tightly shut and my heart jumping out of my chest at the County fair.The ride was called 1001 nachts(german for nights).I got off the ride nauseous and had to hold on to S to regain my balance.Little G and S thoroughly enjoyed the ride.And probably this is what left me with the blocked ear.Further on however we moved towards the kid's park and G took all the kiddie rides by herself.
I can see S has sought peace in one of the newly arrived red packs from Netflix.And yea it is one of my favorites.Sylvestor Stalone(SS) yet again.And Rambo it is.S and I hold the record of lazing around in the couch and watching Rocky (I to VI) in the span of one weekend.SS is a hot item in our houshold.In this context the new flick "Kambhakt Ishq"(wasted a good 5o dollars for it at the theatre)has no substance but quite deliciously topped with liberal portions of SS here and there.Probably the movie is the perfect thing for me right now to lend whatever left of my ear to before I lose my coherence.Until then...Cuidate(thats spanish for take care---P's lesson of the evening).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Remembering You...Baba
For most part of the day today I was glued to the TV. Being a tuesday it spared me the ordeal of dropping and picking G(daughter) from ABACUS,the mental math class she has joined for the summer.And I am happy I did it.Had it not been so I would have missed some remakable moments from MJ's funeral which will be etched in my heart till I leave this world.
I remember the release of “Dangerous”.It was all over.I was probably in seventh standard then.Growing up in Shillong with its pop entwined culture had its advantages.I loved the song "Remember the time" and kept on playing it over and over and getting on to my Ma's nerves.Baba was always patient about it or didn't say anything about it.
On the evening of the cursed thursday MJ passed S(husband) and I sat discussing him for sometime,spent some time on Youtube looking up his videos.That should have been all.This celebrity death too would have wandered off into some untreaded realms of my not so remarkable memory.
But the last couple of minutes of the Jackson memorial service today took me right back to a hospital lobby 8 years back.It was MJ' s 11 year old daughter's tearful eulogy which had tears welling up in my eyes too.My baba died 8 years back.True, for a couple of years it was hard to manage the pain.The thing about pain is either you manage it yourself or you seek help in managing it.Thereafter I got married and life took a new turn and the pain dulled.
There does not go a single day when I do not think of baba.The sense of loss that day and today is no less or no more.I remember sitting in a catatonic state that day in the hospital.Tears too had dried up.At that point that day i couldn't imagine how life could go on without him.I sat there remebering every single thing I did with Him and which was part of my daily routine.
I grew up waiting in the evenings for the door bell to ring and running to the door to have baba back from work.The evening rituals of tea,snacks and the incessant narration of the day's activities first by me and then by him.Poor ma never had anything exciting to share except the excerpts of the not so brief phone conversations she had with dida(grandma),masis(maternal aunts),pisis(paternal aunts) and the likes.During school years, later part of the evenings would be spent in him continiously trying to help me in my studies.And in even younger years probably in kindergarten his job was to sit and draw with me to keep me from disturbing my sister who was in high school by then.The years before his demise when I was well in my post graduation ,the evening chats could be about anything and everything,from boyfriends to global warming.
That day at the hospital I sat there dreading the vacuum I am inheriting for life.I was seriously thinking how to manage Ma whose routine of life was so sequenced with that of baba's that I feared that she would be lost forever.But today in retrospect , she was way stronger than I was.The next two years until my marriage we (Ma and I) developed a bond which never existed when baba was there.
The day I got married to S(whose details i very coyly first shared with none other than Baba),I felt his absence the most.He was not there to give me off.I cried a lot.Was it his absence or the guilt of leaving Ma all by herself,I dont know.When he left us he was 58 and I was 24.I always felt He went too soon.To this day when I see friends' parents visiting them here in the US ,I sit thinking what it would have been like to have had both my parents here.Wishful thinking...huh.
Baba never got to see G.This is again something which brings back all the poignant 'if this' and 'then what' thoughts.Its sad indeed.But not having Baba around has most definitely made me strong.I grew strong not by choice but it helps to be strong.
I have a loving family and his absence has made me appreciate this more than ever.I have made some difficult choices in my life to be with my family.I want to live a long and happy life and be with G just like Baba did with me,only longer.I want to live on in her,just like the way baba lives on in me.
11 year old Paris's unrehearsed feelings for her Daddy gave the Jackson memorial the dimension which people are going to remember for years.I guess it doesn't matter who you are and where you are ,losing your father gives one the same kind of pain.I am happy that MJ's legacy will live on in his three kids.I pray to God that MJ finds peace.But more so I pray for his children.
I remember the release of “Dangerous”.It was all over.I was probably in seventh standard then.Growing up in Shillong with its pop entwined culture had its advantages.I loved the song "Remember the time" and kept on playing it over and over and getting on to my Ma's nerves.Baba was always patient about it or didn't say anything about it.
On the evening of the cursed thursday MJ passed S(husband) and I sat discussing him for sometime,spent some time on Youtube looking up his videos.That should have been all.This celebrity death too would have wandered off into some untreaded realms of my not so remarkable memory.
But the last couple of minutes of the Jackson memorial service today took me right back to a hospital lobby 8 years back.It was MJ' s 11 year old daughter's tearful eulogy which had tears welling up in my eyes too.My baba died 8 years back.True, for a couple of years it was hard to manage the pain.The thing about pain is either you manage it yourself or you seek help in managing it.Thereafter I got married and life took a new turn and the pain dulled.
There does not go a single day when I do not think of baba.The sense of loss that day and today is no less or no more.I remember sitting in a catatonic state that day in the hospital.Tears too had dried up.At that point that day i couldn't imagine how life could go on without him.I sat there remebering every single thing I did with Him and which was part of my daily routine.
I grew up waiting in the evenings for the door bell to ring and running to the door to have baba back from work.The evening rituals of tea,snacks and the incessant narration of the day's activities first by me and then by him.Poor ma never had anything exciting to share except the excerpts of the not so brief phone conversations she had with dida(grandma),masis(maternal aunts),pisis(paternal aunts) and the likes.During school years, later part of the evenings would be spent in him continiously trying to help me in my studies.And in even younger years probably in kindergarten his job was to sit and draw with me to keep me from disturbing my sister who was in high school by then.The years before his demise when I was well in my post graduation ,the evening chats could be about anything and everything,from boyfriends to global warming.
That day at the hospital I sat there dreading the vacuum I am inheriting for life.I was seriously thinking how to manage Ma whose routine of life was so sequenced with that of baba's that I feared that she would be lost forever.But today in retrospect , she was way stronger than I was.The next two years until my marriage we (Ma and I) developed a bond which never existed when baba was there.
The day I got married to S(whose details i very coyly first shared with none other than Baba),I felt his absence the most.He was not there to give me off.I cried a lot.Was it his absence or the guilt of leaving Ma all by herself,I dont know.When he left us he was 58 and I was 24.I always felt He went too soon.To this day when I see friends' parents visiting them here in the US ,I sit thinking what it would have been like to have had both my parents here.Wishful thinking...huh.
Baba never got to see G.This is again something which brings back all the poignant 'if this' and 'then what' thoughts.Its sad indeed.But not having Baba around has most definitely made me strong.I grew strong not by choice but it helps to be strong.
I have a loving family and his absence has made me appreciate this more than ever.I have made some difficult choices in my life to be with my family.I want to live a long and happy life and be with G just like Baba did with me,only longer.I want to live on in her,just like the way baba lives on in me.
11 year old Paris's unrehearsed feelings for her Daddy gave the Jackson memorial the dimension which people are going to remember for years.I guess it doesn't matter who you are and where you are ,losing your father gives one the same kind of pain.I am happy that MJ's legacy will live on in his three kids.I pray to God that MJ finds peace.But more so I pray for his children.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
ode to the free spirit
This is something which has been on my mind probably for more than a few days.Especially since Adam Lambert came out in the open about his sexuality.And it is this which finally is lying the foundation of my blogging endeavour.
I am a bengali,born and brought up in Kolkata,now living in the United States with my husband and 5 year old daughter.Precisely we live in Sunnyvale,California.We have been living here for the last 3 years.Prior to this we lived in Saint Louis,Missouri.
California for that matter is very different from the rest of the United States.There is the American way and then there is the California way of doing things.The reason for this would be the mix of the population we have in this state.Well, having a common border with Mexico down south explains the influx of the spanish speaking mass of people here.Then the silicon valley is the reason behind the so called "brain drain" from countries like India and China.
The school my daughter goes to is a well renouned private school based in the Bay area having several branches.The total strength of her class is 22.And 20 kids are Indians barring the two other representatives of China.Having a proper American white neighbour in Sunnyvale would be a rare treat.Not that we mind but thats how things are.
Ohhh.... this reminds me the purpose of this write up.The verbose human being that i am ,its very easy for me to wade away from my chain of thoughts.We have this neighbour ...two very normal Fijian ladies.My reiteration of the word "normal" would have started a tirade between me and S( husband).The reason being, this much discussed pair of girls in this predominant indian neighbourhood are homosexuals.
Its quite understandable that California is a safe haven for a lot of people who are different.
Wikipedia says"In mid-2008, California became the second U.S. state, after Massachusetts, to make marriage licenses available to same-sex couples. The status of same-sex marriage in California has been a contentious political issue since at least the late 1970s,[1] and the controversy escalated with the passage of Proposition 22 in 2000, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's 2004 decision to issue same-sex marriage licenses, a 2008 California Supreme Court ruling regarding same-sex marriage, and the passage of Proposition 8[2] later in 2008. New licenses for same-sex marriages are unavailable as of November 5, 2008, and the status of same-sex marriage was uncertain pending the legal challenges to Proposition 8. On May 26, 2009, the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, but did not overturn previous same-sex marriages.[3] Same-sex marriage supporters are trying to get another ballot initiative to overturn Proposition 8 in the 2010 election."
It is quite common to see gay couples in the city(San Francisco) and all over the bay area.There are a lot of gay parents too.For me they are as normal as you and me.But this is the bone of contention in my household.S,not a jump to conclusion kind of guy,thinks this can be anything but normal.Nevertheless we are in no position to judge somebody.He says he fears for our daughter.And the message has to be clear to her that being different in this manner is not acceptable.S feels that the happy loving family that we have ,can ward off such kind of threats which are nothing but manifestations of festering insecurities.
I really am confused sometimes to conform to such strong opinions as his.Because a lot of times its children from good families with very well grounded and settled parents comes out with their different sexual orientation.I know all of S's thinking somehow is shaped thinking of G(our daughter's) future.He is kind of ok with everything as long as it is outside the boundaries of his house.
S makes his displeasure so evident if we would catch the two said people we are discussing just being playful in the pool together.Its not uncommon to see heterosexual couples being intimate in public in this country.So why the discrimination I ask?He says its so unnatural to have people of the same sex professing their love in the wide open.I too squirm a little if i would see such things.I would even try to distract away little G's attention somewhere else.But i dont really agree that this is what you choose to be.
I am rather of the thinking that i would not want such a thing happen in my family or for that matter to friends.Because we all come from the" Dad" being the patriarchal head of the family kind of background and our beliefs in the traditional family structure is beyond any such influences.
Nevertheless, if this is what makes one happy so be it.Happiness is elusive in this world and you should chase it come what may.And yes this is something i absolutely am strong about.Last year when the Prop 8 was passed i cant forget the images of people flooding the television.Faces of two ladies in their 60's who finally after waitng and being together for 30 some years tying the knot .Ohh... the ebullient atmosphere at the city hall that was,is unforgettable.Happiness is infectious.And you do feel happy to see others happy.
So at the end of it S and I, could have come across as hypocrites.When one does not have a clear line of thought i guess hypocrisy is inevitible.But these are the trials and tribulations of mortal human life.Nobody is perfect.What really amazes me here is the land we live in.Expats from all over the world make this country what is is.It is the open free world,the land of opportunities.It is our new home and yes,we can make decisions here which makes us happy.It is the free spirit here which lets you be what you are without being evaluated.
It is ironical sometimes to think that the Talibans choosing to execute women without the burqua ,yet at the same times in some other part of the world two other women choose to be partners and live a conjugal life just like any other heterosexual couple.This land amazes me.It makes everybody their own.Or wherelse would you find a man being pregnant.The beauty queen from Hawaii who was a transsexual and had gone for a sex change.She/He later on decided to conceive a baby as his wife was not able to.Amazing!!!!Good or bad ...who are we to judge.But yes we do ode the free spirit of this land.
I am a bengali,born and brought up in Kolkata,now living in the United States with my husband and 5 year old daughter.Precisely we live in Sunnyvale,California.We have been living here for the last 3 years.Prior to this we lived in Saint Louis,Missouri.
California for that matter is very different from the rest of the United States.There is the American way and then there is the California way of doing things.The reason for this would be the mix of the population we have in this state.Well, having a common border with Mexico down south explains the influx of the spanish speaking mass of people here.Then the silicon valley is the reason behind the so called "brain drain" from countries like India and China.
The school my daughter goes to is a well renouned private school based in the Bay area having several branches.The total strength of her class is 22.And 20 kids are Indians barring the two other representatives of China.Having a proper American white neighbour in Sunnyvale would be a rare treat.Not that we mind but thats how things are.
Ohhh.... this reminds me the purpose of this write up.The verbose human being that i am ,its very easy for me to wade away from my chain of thoughts.We have this neighbour ...two very normal Fijian ladies.My reiteration of the word "normal" would have started a tirade between me and S( husband).The reason being, this much discussed pair of girls in this predominant indian neighbourhood are homosexuals.
Its quite understandable that California is a safe haven for a lot of people who are different.
Wikipedia says"In mid-2008, California became the second U.S. state, after Massachusetts, to make marriage licenses available to same-sex couples. The status of same-sex marriage in California has been a contentious political issue since at least the late 1970s,[1] and the controversy escalated with the passage of Proposition 22 in 2000, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's 2004 decision to issue same-sex marriage licenses, a 2008 California Supreme Court ruling regarding same-sex marriage, and the passage of Proposition 8[2] later in 2008. New licenses for same-sex marriages are unavailable as of November 5, 2008, and the status of same-sex marriage was uncertain pending the legal challenges to Proposition 8. On May 26, 2009, the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, but did not overturn previous same-sex marriages.[3] Same-sex marriage supporters are trying to get another ballot initiative to overturn Proposition 8 in the 2010 election."
It is quite common to see gay couples in the city(San Francisco) and all over the bay area.There are a lot of gay parents too.For me they are as normal as you and me.But this is the bone of contention in my household.S,not a jump to conclusion kind of guy,thinks this can be anything but normal.Nevertheless we are in no position to judge somebody.He says he fears for our daughter.And the message has to be clear to her that being different in this manner is not acceptable.S feels that the happy loving family that we have ,can ward off such kind of threats which are nothing but manifestations of festering insecurities.
I really am confused sometimes to conform to such strong opinions as his.Because a lot of times its children from good families with very well grounded and settled parents comes out with their different sexual orientation.I know all of S's thinking somehow is shaped thinking of G(our daughter's) future.He is kind of ok with everything as long as it is outside the boundaries of his house.
S makes his displeasure so evident if we would catch the two said people we are discussing just being playful in the pool together.Its not uncommon to see heterosexual couples being intimate in public in this country.So why the discrimination I ask?He says its so unnatural to have people of the same sex professing their love in the wide open.I too squirm a little if i would see such things.I would even try to distract away little G's attention somewhere else.But i dont really agree that this is what you choose to be.
I am rather of the thinking that i would not want such a thing happen in my family or for that matter to friends.Because we all come from the" Dad" being the patriarchal head of the family kind of background and our beliefs in the traditional family structure is beyond any such influences.
Nevertheless, if this is what makes one happy so be it.Happiness is elusive in this world and you should chase it come what may.And yes this is something i absolutely am strong about.Last year when the Prop 8 was passed i cant forget the images of people flooding the television.Faces of two ladies in their 60's who finally after waitng and being together for 30 some years tying the knot .Ohh... the ebullient atmosphere at the city hall that was,is unforgettable.Happiness is infectious.And you do feel happy to see others happy.
So at the end of it S and I, could have come across as hypocrites.When one does not have a clear line of thought i guess hypocrisy is inevitible.But these are the trials and tribulations of mortal human life.Nobody is perfect.What really amazes me here is the land we live in.Expats from all over the world make this country what is is.It is the open free world,the land of opportunities.It is our new home and yes,we can make decisions here which makes us happy.It is the free spirit here which lets you be what you are without being evaluated.
It is ironical sometimes to think that the Talibans choosing to execute women without the burqua ,yet at the same times in some other part of the world two other women choose to be partners and live a conjugal life just like any other heterosexual couple.This land amazes me.It makes everybody their own.Or wherelse would you find a man being pregnant.The beauty queen from Hawaii who was a transsexual and had gone for a sex change.She/He later on decided to conceive a baby as his wife was not able to.Amazing!!!!Good or bad ...who are we to judge.But yes we do ode the free spirit of this land.
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